After more than 40 years
of thinking her mother was dead, Tammy Miller got the surprise of her
life this week when she found out her that her mother
was actually alive and living under a new name 1,200 miles away.
But
her story doesn't have a fairytale ending and there are no plans for a
joyous, tearful reunion. "I'm angry," Miller, 45, tells PEOPLE in her
first extensive interview. "This isn't going to be one of those happy,
made-for-TV movies."
Miller's mother, Lula Ann Gillespie-Miller,
left her Laurel, Indiana, home in 1974 at the age of 28, leaving behind
Tammy and her other three small children – another girl and two boys.
The family received a letter from Gillespie-Miller in 1975 postmarked
from Richmond, Indiana, but didn't hear from her again and believed she
was long dead, Miller says, assuming that her body was one discovered in
1975 in Richmond.
The case of the unidentified woman in
Richmond had long grown cold when police revived it in 2014, according
to Indiana State Police. While investigating that case, they eventually
learned on Thursday that Gillespie-Miller, 69, was in fact living in
Texas under a different name, police say.
"I could have fell out of my chair," Miller says. "I was shocked."
"I will never call her again"
Miller
says she called her mother on Friday, but the woman said she couldn't
talk. "It was less than a two minute conversation," Miller says. "She
said, 'I'll call you when I'm able to talk,' " but it's a call Miller
doesn't think will happen. "I will never call her again," Miller said.
"It felt like being rejected all over again."
Miller says she's
still processing a range of emotions after thinking for decades that her
mother was dead, but now realizing that her mother made a decision to
disappear. "It's almost like going through the grieving process again,"
Miller says. "I'm glad she's alive, but it hurts emotionally knowing
this was her choice."
Grandmother did an "awesome" job raising the kids
According
to Miller, her mother led a troubled life, including alleged
involvement with alcohol, dealing with the death of her husband in 1969
in a car accident and an alleged violent assault and rape in 1974. "She
really wasn't taking care of us kids that well," Miller said. In 1971,
Gillespie-Miller turned over their care, says Miller, who grew up in
Indiana with her half-siblings, a sister, now 50, and two brothers, now
49 and 47.
They were raised by a woman she calls "Grandma
Catherine," whose son Joseph was the father of the three older kids and
who died in 1969, says Miller, who claimed she is the product of an
affair her mother had with a married man.
"My grandmother who raised me did an awesome job," Miller says. "She
never went one day without letting us kids know she loved us."
Miller
says she doesn't know why her mother left in 1974. "I don't know what
mother would do that," Miller says. "I would walk through fire for my
kids."
But Miller does give her credit for leaving the kids in
good hands. "She did one thing right, that was giving us to our
grandma," Miller says. "That was the best decision she ever made."
When
police knocked on her door, Gillespie-Miller didn't know why they were
there, according to her daughter. "She told them, 'Why would anybody be
looking for me? I've been living here for the past 20 years,' " Miller
says. Gillespie-Miller could not be reached by PEOPLE for comment.
"I'm going to have a wonderful life"
Miller
is now a divorced mother of three children – ages 26, 23 and 20 – and
she raised a fourth child, 21, with her long-time boyfriend. She works
in Indiana as an administrative assistant for a company that provides
speech, occupational and other therapies to children.
Miller
said she feels a sense of relief knowing that she now has at least some
answers about her mother. "I'm going to have a wonderful life," she
says. "I know it wasn't my fault. It was her loss."